Back when today’s current crop of grandparents were adorable babies themselves, their grandmothers carried around something called “Grannie’s Brag Book,” which was stored in grandma’s capacious pocketbook.
With even the slightest encouragement, grandma would pull out the book, which included all the latest family snapshots.
She’d share those pictures in the line at the grocery store, at post-worship coffee fellowship or at the beauty parlour – and expect her audience to coo admiringly over her adorable grandchildren.
Times have changed, but grandmas still want to tout the wonders of their family’s next generation. And that’s where the problems can start.
Beginning in 2006, when Facebook launched to the general public, grandparents were handed a platform that allowed just as much bragging potential as the books, but with a far wider reach than they’d ever had before.
Who needed the line at the grocery store when those adorable grandkid shots could be shared with every acquaintance she’d ever had?
MoMo Productions via Getty Images
There was a time when the internet seemed like just a big “brag book”. Not anymore.
The early years of Facebook certainly were a more innocent time, and perhaps a stupider one, too. Now that we know the dangers of the internet, we’re aware of the harm that posting photos of children online can cause. Anyone, including child predators, can collect posted images, some that even include geolocation data on where the child lives or attends school.
Modern kids often have a digital footprint that begins when they’re born. It’s been estimated that a child born today will be in almost 1,000 online photos by the age of five.
And while many child development experts and ethicists say that kids are the only ones with a legitimate right to their own stories and images, that can be a tough concept for some doting grandparents to grasp.
“Twenty years ago, I shared pictures of my own children on Facebook, so relatives who live around the world could see them and comment,” said Kimberly Bepler, who is also a “grandparent doula” for new grandparents.
“I never thought, ‘Will this affect them in the future, attract abuse when they’re in high school, cause employers to turn them down for jobs or even be used in child pornography?’”
Since she provides education classes for new grandparents, as well as regular doula work with parents, Bepler sees both sides of the picture.
“Grandparents want to share, and it’s natural, but sometimes they aren’t thinking things through,” she said. “I’ve seen grandparents who take a poorly lit hospital photo of the new arrival and share it on social media, without thinking about far-reaching consequences.”
Trouble starts with the birth announcement.
What’s the problem with posting a picture of their newborn, some grandparents might ask?
Bepler explained: “First, that image you posted becomes the de facto announcement for the family, even if the parents were waiting for a special photo session, wanted to use a specific photo or if they had a very clear intention for the design of the announcement.
“It’s what I call a ‘displaced moment,’ and the person who stole the new family’s spotlight is a grandparent, which makes it even more wrenching for a family,” she said.
She’s seen “granny” versions of announcements that included comments on the progress of labour or birth, or comments on who in the family the child already resembles.
“I’ve suggested to many grandparents that they remove birth announcements from social media, especially when they give the full name of the new baby, names of parents and siblings, date of birth, weight and length,” said Sari Goodman, a certified parent educator and coach.
“Bad actors can use that information to do things like create a Social Security account, and the children won’t find out about it until they get a credit card, job or a bank account that requires a Social Security number.”
Goodman tells grandparents: “If you want to send a baby announcement electronically, use a private site to send only to family and friends. And always get the parents’ permission before you post anything.”
Even good grandparents make dumb mistakes.
Denise Gorant Gliwa is the creator and host of Bite Your Tongue, a podcast about building healthy relationships with adult children. Herself a grandmother, she often advises other grandparents to get permission before posting anything about the grandkids on social media.
But she ran into a conflict with a new threat. “I uploaded my infant grandson’s image into ChatGPT, and the AI tool created a watercolour of his face,” she said. “I thought it was lovely, but when I showed it to my daughter, she wasn’t happy. She pointed out that now his image was in that large language model, and that it could be used for facial recognition.”
Gliwa admitted her mistake and promised not to do it again. “Our adult children know more than we do about these issues, and we need to respect that,” she said.
Other well-meaning grandparents might think they’re posting a harmless anecdote, but it can be one that sticks embarrassingly close to their grandchild in ways they never would have predicted.
A post from last year on a grandparents’ Facebook forum was a case in point: It featured a large image of the grandmother and her 13-year-old granddaughter, full face to the cameras.
The post was a story about how the granddaughter had been babysitting nearby when she started her menstrual period. She called grandma for help, who raced to the rescue with sanitary products and sweets. “To be her safe place, her steady hand, her hero for the day – it fills my heart to the brim,” the post ended. “Life is full of moments that remind me just how lucky I am to be Grammy.”
MoMo Productions via Getty Images
The post had 126 likes and 35 comments, many of which complimented the grandmother for her quick actions, which probably made the granny feel great. But once that post and photo reach the clutches of the mean girls at her granddaughter’s school, who knows what could happen next?
The danger of posts like these has been called out by experts, including Francine Toder, author of Your Kids Are Grown: Parenting 2.0. “I’ve heard about posts regarding teens that have resulted in severe bullying and even physical injury,” she said. “Grandparents may not be aware of those situations that actually put their grandchildren in danger.”
Bragging rights, yes. Posting rights, no.
Grandmother Adrienne Alexander is the author of The Accidental Parent, a book about kinship grandparenting, which is the full-time care of a child by extended family members or friends to replace parents who are unavailable.
She said that her single most practical piece of advice for families trying to navigate issues around social media is this: “Create the rules before the photo you don’t want posted gets posted.”
She suggested some topics to discuss: “Are school names, locations, or activities off limits? What about embarrassing stories? What happens when the child becomes old enough to have an opinion?”
And, she noted, you can’t sulk or pout when these issues are raised. “Keep in mind, grandparents shouldn’t interpret a parent’s boundary as a rejection,” she said. Saying ‘Please don’t post photos of my child’ doesn’t mean ‘Don’t be proud of your grandchild.’ It means the parent has established a boundary around their child’s digital presence. Grandparents can have bragging rights without assuming posting rights.”
Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict, has clear guidelines for grandparents, whether it’s in private family group chats or on public social media accounts: “Make the rules explicit rather than assuming everyone has the same definition of common sense,” he said.
“Families might agree that grandparents ask before posting photographs, don’t post embarrassing or partially clothed pictures, don’t reveal locations or schools, don’t announce major family news before the parents do and remove something immediately if the parents ask.”
And while parents might be justifiably freaked out about what granny just posted over the worldwide web, he made a plea for a little grace all around.
“For parents, try to communicate the rule without turning it into a referendum on whether the grandparent is trustworthy or competent,” he said. He suggested saying something like “We’re keeping the kids off public social media for now, so please check with us before posting” is much easier to hear than “You have no respect for our boundaries.”
Phrasing things that way can contribute to family harmony all around. But even if grandparents comply, it’s good to understand that they still may not like it.
“I feel left out of the bragging rights,” Bepler, the grandparent doula, admits. “I’m all over socials and I can’t share anything. It’s a safe choice and I respect it, but do I like it? No, I want to show off my cute grandkids like others do. But that’s outside my realm as a grandparent, and my job is to honour the parents’ choices.”
