There’s a particular kind of friend everyone wants to have when their life is seemingly falling apart. You know the one. Calm, dependable, gives the best advice. The person who will answer your text message at midnight and know exactly what to say.
It might feel good to be that friend: the one that everyone goes to when they need support. If that sounds familiar, you might be what mental health professionals call “the crisis friend” – the person others turn to for emotional support, reassurance and problem-solving during their worst moments, but who may hear much less from them when life is just boring and ordinary.
“In essence, a ‘crisis friend’ is an individual who people will typically go to in times of extreme loss or disarray, but do not usually reach out when things are going well,” said Jonathan Goelz, a licensed clinical social worker.
“You’ll often find that some friends will only contact you during divorce situations, family crises, relapse periods, job failures, or emotional meltdowns, and then after the initial shock has dissipated they will simply lose interest.”
Being the person people turn to in a crisis isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The problem is when the crisis becomes the primary – or only – way the friendship exists.
“While being dependable is not inherently a negative trait, the primary issue with a ‘crisis’ friend is that the relationship will primarily be based upon the need for one party to get rescued, and the ability of the other party to provide that rescue,” Goelz said.
If you suspect you might be the crisis friend, here are some ways to tell and what to do.
How do you know if you’re the crisis friend?
One of the biggest clues is what you know about your friends – and what you don’t know.
Giulia P. Davis, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said she’s seen how easily someone can become the “go-to” person without realising a friendship has become one-sided.
“One indicator is what is missing,” she said. “You are aware of their family issues, work issues, break-ups, etc., and have seen them go through each and every one of these crises; however, you cannot recall how they spent their time last weekend just because it was for fun.”
Goelz offered a similar list of warning signs. They include people primarily contacting you when they’re distressed, feeling responsible for calming their emotions, continually monitoring their mood, canceling your own plans to help, feeling guilty when you say no, and experiencing “resentment, exhaustion, anxiety, or dread every time their name shows up on your phone,” he said.
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Judy Serfaty, clinical director of The Freedom Center, said you might also find yourself replaying conversations afterward, worrying about whether you said the right thing or wondering what will happen next.
“You may even feel resentment towards your phone ringing and/or feel guilty when you do not answer,” Serfaty explained. “You may spend hours mentally replaying your conversations with friends long after they have ended and realise that you have consistently put off meeting your own needs.”
How does someone become the crisis friend?
Mostly, it’s because the crisis friend is naturally empathetic, reliable and good in difficult situations. But there can be something deeper going on, too.
“Generally speaking, becoming ‘the crisis friend’ typically refers to being the individual that other individuals depend upon for emotional regulation, problem solving, assurance, and stability when crises occur,” Goelz said.
“This can develop based on your natural empathy and reliability; however, some people may develop this tendency due to learning that being useful is the way to maintain closeness.”
For some people, being needed can become closely tied to feeling connected.
“Codependency is a way of relating where you confuse being ‘needed’ by another person with feeling close,” Serfaty said.
“Or you might feel that it’s your responsibility to prevent the other person from experiencing any form of discomfort. I frequently consider whether individuals have developed a belief that connections need to be earned through some type of caretaking. If you’ve found that you feel safest within your relationships when another person is in crisis and is dependent upon you, then there may be something here worth exploring.”
Davis said there can also be a psychological reward in being the person others turn to.
“People generally get drawn into this role in the first place because needing others makes people happy,” she said. “Being the one who always has the answer is a way to feel important and reliable.”
And for some, that role can become part of their identity.
“Being needed is the most socially acceptable addiction nobody talks about. The crisis friend stays in the role because their identity depends on being the capable, steady one. That’s worth naming,” Davis said.
The emotional cost of being the crisis friend
Constantly absorbing someone else’s distress can eventually take a toll.
“A major warning sign is feeling dread when certain friends contact you, rather than simply feeling concerned for them. If you’re regularly cancelling your plans, losing sleep, neglecting your own relationships, or feeling guilty when you don’t respond immediately, the role is probably costing you too much,” Davis said.
“Resentment is another important signal that your capacity has been exceeded.”
Serfaty said the effects aren’t necessarily immediate – which may be why you keep answering those emergency calls – but they can accumulate over time.
“A major psychological challenge of becoming the ‘crisis friend’ lies in the potential for the roles of being an equal friend and the emotional regulator of others in a relationship to grow further apart,” she said.
“With time, you may find yourself called upon almost exclusively when someone is experiencing panic, grief, or is engaged in a fight with a partner.”
As that pattern continues, being needed can become difficult to separate from being valued.
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“As time goes on, needing to be there to provide a solution to another’s issues can become indistinguishable from being valued,” Serfaty said. “Many people (particularly those who have been taught in previous relationships that being close requires taking care of one another) will view a person going into a crisis as a safe place within a relationship. This perceived safe place comes from having a very defined role: listening, calming, resolving.”
Then there’s the physical toll.
“You may discover that each call/each message causes your body to physically tighten up as you assume that another crisis awaits,” Serfaty said.
And the relationship itself can become lonely. Davis noted that crisis conversations can feel intimate because they involve vulnerability and intense emotion, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the friendship is close in the everyday sense.
“Intensity does not mean closeness; over time, having all your friends/family/colleagues rely on you as their go-to emergency contact can lead to a chronic sense of exhaustion, hyper-vigilance, and loneliness,” Davis said.
How to set boundaries as the crisis friend
“Setting boundaries does not mean cutting off from someone,” Goelz said. The next time your friend calls you up asking for advice, he recommends saying: “I care about you, and I’m willing to listen for a short period of time, but I don’t want to be the only one you call upon for assistance.”
Serfaty recommends shifting from fixing a friend’s problem to helping them figure out their next step.
“Instead of fixing the problem at hand, ask the individual what plan they have for moving forward, help them identify additional sources of support they can utilise,” Serfaty added, “and acknowledge that sometimes seeking assistance from a mental health professional is going to be a more productive use of time than relying solely on your friendship.”
Davis suggests a simple question to keep yourself from slipping into rescue mode: “I suggest replacing ‘How do I solve this?’ with ‘How can I be present while they figure this out?’”
And if you fear that setting boundaries could cost you the friendship, Serfaty said that’s a sign the dynamic may already be out of balance.
“You shouldn’t have to serve as both a therapist, case manager and emergency hotline for someone in order to maintain a relationship,” Serfaty said.
If someone is experiencing an immediate threat of harm, Goelz said, it’s better to connect them with emergency services or professionals rather than trying to handle the situation yourself.
