In the UK, about four in 10 marriages end in divorce – and, per Woolley & Co solicitors, the most common reasons for this include unreasonable behaviour, infidelity and affairs, and a lack of communication or emotional connection.
That’s what people put down on paper, anyway. But what do therapists attribute to most marital break-downs?
We asked four experts to weigh in.
1. Loss of emotional connection
For Dr Rachel Needle, a psychologist and co-founding director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, the number one reason marriages break down is due to a “gradual loss of emotional connection”.
“Money and sex are often the issues couples argue about, but underneath those arguments are questions about trust, fairness, feeling wanted, and whether their needs matter to their partner,” she told HuffPost UK.
“I hear it in the small things couples describe like asking for the same help over and over, or sharing something important and hardly getting [a] response.”
Over time, she said, it can lead to people feeling “very alone” in their marriage.
“It’s really about not feeling heard and not feeling validated which leads to a loss of feeling connection,” she said. “When you are disconnected, something that wouldn’t be as big of a deal suddenly becomes a huge deal and the cause of arguments.”
In practice, she’ll hear of how one partner will spend months or even years reaching out, saying what’s bothering them, and asking for something to change – and when nothing shifts, they eventually stop asking.
“Instead, they begin grieving the marriage while they’re still in it, and some quietly start planning their way out,” she explained.
“By the time they leave, a lot of their grieving is already done. At the same time, their partner, who may have thought the silence meant peace, is blindsided and only starts grieving once it’s over. “
How to prevent a loss of connection in your marriage
The key here is taking each other’s concerns seriously when they still feel manageable, said the psychologist.
“Communicate, actually listen to your partner, validate their feelings and understand them from their perspective,” she urged.
“When your partner keeps bringing something up, get curious about why it matters so much to them. You don’t have to experience a situation the same way to care about how it affects them. Then… follow through.”
Talk is important, but so is action. If nothing changes afterwards, your partner might eventually stop believing that talking makes a difference.
Some small tweaks that can help improve day-to-day communication, said Dr Needle, include: following up about something your partner was worried about, putting your phone down when they’re talking to you, and really making an effort to hear them and show you care.
“Also, make time to enjoy each other,” she suggested. “I always tell folks to keep flirting, be affectionate without every touch needing to lead to sex, kiss everyday, stay curious about what feels good to your partner and how their needs may be changing, and when you get something wrong, acknowledge it and follow that acknowledgment with a change in behaviour.”
2. Resentment
For Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist and intimacy coach, resentment is “hands down” the biggest cause of marital breakdown she sees. Terri DiMatteo, a relationship therapist at Open Door Therapy, agrees.
And this one’s very much a slow-burner.
“By the time you feel resentful of your partner, there are so many things that have broken down along the way,” Norén told HuffPost UK. “Things like open communication, responding to one another’s bids for connection, and having fun together.”
In the therapy room, she often sees resentment build when it comes to sex and mismatched levels of desire. “One partner has been asking for sex for so long they grow resentful because they feel unwanted, while the other partner has rejected them for so long, they feel like they’re only wanted by their partner for sex,” she explained.
DiMatteo noted that most couples begin with a strong connection, which life inevitably tests. Becoming parents, financial pressures, job loss, illness, and grief can all disrupt a couple’s familiar way of relating to each other.
“Partners disappoint each other or feel alone just when they need each other most,” she explained. “These experiences are a normal part of married life.
“What matters is whether the couple truly tends to the hurt. Most couples address it only nominally and never go deep enough to heal it. When they don’t examine the disappointment and emotionally engage with the hurt, resentment takes hold and erodes the emotional and sexual intimacy that once came naturally.”
How to prevent resentment from building in your relationship
Norén’s advice is to not push feelings to the side, as resentment can easily build when we don’t communicate what’s bothering us.
“Talking in a constructive way about the things that are bothering you, and deciding which of these difficulties are solvable, and which ones need to be accepted, is immensely helpful,” she said.
“For instance, you may never agree on how clean the bathroom should be, and this is an example of a conflict that you’d do best to meet halfway on and accept. But differences in desire and how you communicate about sex is an example of a perpetual conflict that needs addressing.”
If the issue is about a mismatch in desire, the therapist advises bringing it up when things are positive or at the very least neutral between you (rather than in the middle of a fight).
She recommends using “I” statements to reduce the chance of defensiveness and focus on solutions. For instance: “I feel sad and lonely when I try to get close to you on the sofa and it gets tense. I’d love for us to feel close again. Can we talk about what we both could do differently?”
DiMatteo urges couples to focus on healing through emotional connection. “When a disappointment occurs, turn toward each other and go deeper, into the messy emotions underneath. What was it like for each of you? Why did it matter so much? What did each of you need?” she asked.
“What truly heals is empathy and compassion: each partner allowing themselves to be affected by the other’s hurt. It sounds like this: ‘The pain you experienced pains me. It hurts me to know how much you suffered.’
“When partners meet each other this way, a hard experience can actually deepen the bond.”
3. Constantly failing to ‘repair’
Kristine Anthis, a couples therapist and founder at IFS Dating & Matchmaking, noted: “Every couple hurts each other. What breaks marriages down is when the hurt never gets repaired, and each partner’s protective parts take over instead.”
Fights can erupt (that’s normal), and when one partner is hurt, their protective mechanisms take over, triggering the other’s protector, and “they get stuck on a see-saw”.
“The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Underneath, each person has a more vulnerable part that feels unseen, not good enough, or unloved, and it never gets spoken to. Over years, the distance hardens into resentment or indifference,” she said.
What can be done to prevent it
It’s not exactly about not arguing, but it is about learning to repair the hurt quickly afterwards. You could say something like: “A part of me felt dismissed, and I need us to talk about it”, which the therapist said “invites your partner in”.
In contrast, if you simply remark “you never listen”, it puts them on trial.
It can also help to take a pause and offer a return time when things get heated, she suggested, offering a response of: “I’m too upset to talk well right now. Can we pick this up tomorrow morning?”
Her marriage-strengthening tips include: checking in with each other regularly on how you’re really doing (not just logistical and admin-related chats); expressing gratitude often; talking about money, sex, and family expectations before they become fights; and regularly asking each other: “What do you need from me this week?”.
DiMatteo agrees check-ins are important and urges couples to act now, rather than waiting for a crisis to hit.
“A strong marriage isn’t one that never encounters difficulties,” she said. “It’s one in which both partners continually repair their bond.”
