We’ve written before at HuffPost UK about the best sex positions for people in menopause, as well as the issues women over 50 bring up most often in sex therapy.
But what about those in their 40s?
There is no “standard” sexual experience for this group, sexologist and author atPassionerad, Sofie Roos, told us.
Still, she said that she’s seen some common concerns and topics come up over again among women in their 40s – and luckily for us, she shared the knowledge she thinks might make navigating this decade easier.
What a sexologist wishes women in their 40s knew
1) It can take longer to get wet – and you might experience longer-term vaginal dryness
“I wish women knew that [in] your 40s, it’s super common to [feel] mentally turned on, [without] being physically ready for penetrative sex,” Roos shared.
“Due to hormonal changes, it often takes longer to get wet when getting older – and vaginal dryness is also something many start to experience at this stage of life”.
High-quality lube, spending more time on foreplay, and a focus on non-penetrative sex can all bring some joy back into your boudoir, the expert added.
And remember – you don’t ever have to tolerate pain during sex. “If it hurts, talk with your partner and seek professional help if needed!”
2) Expect changes in your lust, but don’t assume they’ll be predictable
This isn’t just about how horny you are, though the sexologist said that libido can either rise or fall in your 40s.
“Some get hornier, others are less interested in sex, some start showing interest for new kinds of intimacy, and others keep loving the same things – this is completely natural,” the pro explained.
“This also means that what made you orgasm before might not work any longer, or it might take more stimulation and longer time to reach all the way, so be open to using new techniques and to bring some sex toys into the bedsheets!”
3) Desire isn’t static – it can change according to your life circumstances
Not every shift in desire in women’s 40s is down to hormonal changes.
“Our 40s [are] a turbulent time for many,” Roos explained.
You might be taking care of teenagers or ageing parents (perhaps both at the same time), struggling with shifts in your relationship, pushing yourself harder at work, sleeping less, or losing the leisure time you once reserved for exercise.
If you notice a change in your sex drive, it might be worth evaluating your physical and emotional health.
4) Communicate, communicate, communicate
Roos has seen so many women in their 40s undergo significant changes in their lust, desires, and needs that she “encourage[s] everyone to let their partner in” on the process “because otherwise, it’s likely that they think the sex you had five, ten or fifteen years ago still works for you”.
Staying open and honest about, e.g., needing more time to get physically aroused “makes it way easier [to get] curious with you when it comes to finding what feels great… simply [by] letting them know, you’ll have a way [higher] chance [of] having [great] sex and stay[ing] connected”.
5) You might be about to have the best sex of your life
Though lust levels sometimes decline as we age, a 2012 paper suggested that women over 80 are among the most sexually satisfied, despite lower sexual desire or sexual activity.
In other words, age doesn’t have as straightforward a relationship with great sex as you might have grown up thinking.
“Your sex life won’t hit rock bottom when turning 40. Instead, this can actually be the period where you start having the best sex of your life,” Roos shared.
Many women tell her that as they age, they get more familiar with their own bodies, communicate better with their partner, lose some unwarranted shame about sexual exploration, and start to seriously prioritise their own pleasure.
“It’s also a period where many women start feeling more confident and peaceful with themselves, even if the body is changing, and this makes it easier to really be in the moment and… emotionally connect to your partner,” the sexologist ended.
“With the right mindset, [you’ve got] a great chance of having the best sex of your life in your 40s!”
