How And When Should We Be Talking To Kids About Porn?

There are measures in place to stop kids coming across, and accessing, porn – all of the UK’s top 10 (and the majority of the top 100) porn sites now have age checks in place to deter children from accessing adult content.

But a July poll by Radio 5 Live and BBC Bitesize, of 2,000 young people aged 13-18, found almost a third (32%) reported seeing pornographic content online.

Some parents I’ve spoken to have noted their kids, as young as eight or nine, are asking about adult content online – and they’re in no way prepared for these conversations or how they’ll play out.

Children might actively seek out porn because they’re curious about sex and relationships (and are probably embarrassed by the thought of asking their parents about it). The NSPCC notes they might look it up “for a laugh”, for “sexual arousal and pleasure”, or to “break the rules”.

But there are also those children who will come across it quite by accident – either via website pop-ups or misleading links. In this instance, sorting out your parental controls can be useful to prevent this from happening, as can monitoring your child’s device use – for instance, letting them use tablets in shared spaces (ie. the living room) only.

While porn conversations come later, the groundwork for all of this can begin when children are pretty young.

Cindy Gallop, founder and CEO of MakeLoveNotPorn, said that “because of the times we live in, it’s important these days that you begin talking to your kids about sex as early as possible”.

This doesn’t mean talking about intercourse, but rather, when children ask where babies come from (typically from around age four), or become interested in their genitals, her advice is to answer them “calmly, straightforwardly, honestly”, and don’t get visibly flustered or embarrassed.

“The moment you do that you open up a channel of communication on this topic between them and you, that will always be there for them as they get older,” said Gallop.

Relationships, Sex and Health Education (RSHE) is a subject taught at both primary and secondary school in the UK – per government guidance, sex education “shouldn’t be taught before Year 5” while “any explicit discussion of sexual activity” shouldn’t be offered before Year 9.

But some kids might start to ask what sex is between the ages of seven and nine, according to Kathleen Hema, a former sex education teacher.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine when you feel is the right time to chat to your child about this. The important thing is that you do discuss it, because chances are they will come across porn in their teen years, if not sooner. The children’s commissioner for England, Dame Rachel De Souza, previously warned kids as young as eight were coming across it, and “most” had seen it by age 13.

In her ‘Sex Talk’ starter pack, Hema said porn is a topic “that we must explain and discuss as modern-day parents whether they [children] ask or not”. She suggested parents might be having this discussion when kids are 10-12 years old.

“The porn talk shouldn’t be the only talk you’re preparing to have. If you’re thinking of having the porn talk with your 10, 11 or 12 year old, here are the talks that need to happen beforehand,” she said in a separate social media post, listing other important discussions to have first, such as bodily autonomy, puberty, sex, boundaries, and masturbation.

Talking to kids about porn is “a lot easier to do than most parents think”, said Gallop. “You just say a version of what I’m about to share, and you dial it up or down depending on the age of the child.”

Here’s what she recommends saying:

“You know how, when we watch movies and TV together, we see things that aren’t real, or things that are exaggerated and extreme? Well, that happens with sex too. People make movies and videos for entertainment that aren’t real – that are exaggerated and extreme. These can be quite confusing, and so it’s a good idea not to watch them till you’re older, but if you come across these, or someone shows you something like this, do come and tell us and we can talk about it and explain it.”

Gallop suggested you don’t need to explain any further beyond this. “You can end the conversation right there, because just by saying that, you’ve done two important things,” she explained.

“You’ve set up in their mind, for when they stumble across porn, as they will, [that] it’s not real. And you’ve encouraged them to come and talk to you about it. You will want them to do that, because what they stumble across is likely to be utterly traumatising.”

Hema suggested you could also explain porn like this:

“Porn is a video that is intended to be sexually stimulating and arousing to the adult watching. Porn’s main focus is on the genitals and sexual activities involving the genitals like vaginal, anal, and oral sex as well as masturbation. Porn is not intended for children to view. It is made by adults for adults to view, therefore it is also known as adult entertainment.”

If a younger child accidentally comes across porn, Common Sense Media has offered some helpful conversation pointers for parents:

“I saw (or heard) you were looking at a video of naked people. I’m curious about that. Can you tell me how you found that video?

“I am sorry you saw that because it’s not good for children to see that kind of video. I am wondering how it made you feel. Can you tell me what you were thinking or feeling when you saw it?”

You could also say: “If you see a video or photo of naked people, I want you to shut your eyes and call me or an adult you trust. I will help you turn it off. I do not want you to see it, even by accident. It is not your fault that you saw that video.”

It’s crucial to avoid shame when discussing porn, suggested Hema. You could say that some adults watch it, while others do not, for example.

“This avoids creating feelings of shame if your child may be in the 50% of teens who have viewed porn. The next layer to this talk is explaining porn literacy and sharing your own family values around porn,” she said.

In those initial explanations of what porn is, she urges parents not to embed their views (including their anxieties and fears) around porn “because your kid needs actual information and education first”.

For Gallop, the most important takeaway is that, after these chats, your child feels aware they can “come and talk to you about anything that confuses them, worries them, [or] feels bad”.

“The only solution to the growing proliferation of digital harms children face today is preemptive,” she added.

“Educating age-appropriately as early as possible is far and away the most effective method of protecting your child and arming them against what they may come across in today’s digital and AI-driven world.”