For a long time, there’s been a misconception that BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, submission, and masochism) is some kind of niche sexual fantasy.
Well, folks, I’m here to tell you that that is well and truly wrong. In fact, research shows that almost half (46%) of people have ever tried it, while an additional 22% have experienced fantasies about it.
If you so happen to fall into that category, you’ve come to the right place.
While BDSM has been increasingly romanticised in media over the last decade or so (think: Pillion, Fifty Shades of Grey, I could go on…) there is no handbook for how to get into it.
But some of the acts within BDSM come with risks, so to help you embark on your journey, we’ve consulted the experts for some beginner-friendly guidance.
We’ve also rounded up the best BDSM sex toys to get started with, from handcuffs to beginner BDSM sets.
1. Communicate
As with anything sexual, it all starts with talking to your partner about your desires. “Talk about what you’ve fantasised about, what you’re not willing to explore and what you want to try together,” advised Tim Lagman, resident expert at sex toy store, pjur.
These conversations should also include ‘housekeeping rules’ like boundaries, hard limits, words that are triggering, and what you want to gain from the experience, according to Courtney Boyer, pjur’s resident clinical sex educator.
“These kinds of conversations beforehand often create more intimacy than the activity itself because it builds trust and emotional safety,” she explained.
Communication is particularly important because two thirds of women have had non-consensual experiences with BDSM acts, so you’ll want to make sure all parties are equally game for what you’re about to try out.
2. Do your research
If you’re not sure what kind of fantasies you’re into, but want to try something new, you might want to explore BDSM communities such as FetLife to see what people are talking about, or watch ethical porn to get some ideas.
“You don’t have to earn a place in the kink community by trying the most extreme thing you can imagine,” Boyer explained.
“Ask yourself what genuinely sparks your curiosity rather than what you think you’re supposed to enjoy. Following your own desire, instead of someone else’s expectations, makes the experience far more enjoyable.”
3. Start slow
If you’re completely new to BDSM, you might want to start by exploring one aspect at a time. This isn’t a race – so there’s no pressure to jump into anything straight away.
“Trying impact play, bondage, sensory deprivation, dirty talk, and power exchange all in one evening can quickly become overwhelming,” Boyer noted.
“Pick one new experience, keep it simple, and give yourselves permission to learn together.”
Low-intensity play is a great place to start, suggested Lagman. This could include removing one of your senses, such as your vision, with an eye mask, and experimenting with new sensations.
“Feathers, silky fabric, or even an ice cube can change how someone experiences touch,” Lagman said.
“Removing one sense can heighten another, making a familiar experience feel brand new. Starting slow also allows you to discover what excites you before investing in more expensive toys.
“If you’re using toys as part of the experience, pjur Toy Lube can help enhance the experience by giving your toys a slippery feel to enhance your sensation play.”
Best toys for sensory play
These satin hand ties double as a blindfold, so you won’t have to splash out to try a variety of BDSM activities. Beware, though, because it’ll be slippery, so you’ll want to practise your knot tying.
You don’t have to pull out all the bells and whistles: BDSM can be as simple as slipping a satin eye mask on, and getting your partner to touch you all over.
Another piece of pink kit to add to your collection.
Fashion has always taken inspo from BDSM, so there’s no reason BDSM can’t take inspo from fashion with this chic Ann Summers lace and PU mask.
4. Heat things up
Once you’ve experimented with removing one of your senses, you might want to move on to other aspects of BDSM.
“BDSM includes an enormous range of experiences like blindfolds, temperature play, role play, and even a massage,” explained Lagman. “Sometimes the anticipation is more exciting than the intensity.”
Best sex toys for temperature play, massage, and sensory play
Should the mere idea of a crop send you into overdrive, this mini tickler comes as is. Cute!
If you’re not sure about intense sensations, soft tools are just as much a part of BDSM as floggers. This dual action toy has a tickler on one side (top tip: use this while you’re blindfolded) and a crop on the other side, because you’re multifaceted, babe.
If you really want to experiment with temperature play, this We-Vibe vibrator is loaded with heating and cooling technology, so it can reach 38 degrees, or cool to 20 in the click of a button. And of course we can’t look past the fact it’s loaded with three rumbly vibration intensities and three patterns for an extra touch of stimulation.
If you’re not into strong scents, this oil from Danish brand Sitre is great because it’s loaded with natural and organic oils that moisturise the skin, as well as making for a sensory delight.
Every time my partner and I want to reconnect, we whip out a massage candle. It’s not only great for, duh, massaging, but if you leave it just the right amount of time after blowing out the flame, you’ll get a touch of temperature play, too. Just make sure it’s not too hot! This one smells absolutely divine if you’re into smoky sweet scents, too.
5. Consider safety
If you are going to explore anything like rope tying, choking or impact play, it’s important to learn the safest way of engaging in these activities.
Websites like Beducated have great beginner courses for these activities. And remember: practise makes perfect, and that doesn’t mean you have to push your body to the extreme.
“Whether you’re experimenting with cuffs, sleeves, or other BDSM accessories, your body should never have to fight against the gear you’re using,” Boyer said.
Best sex toys for bondage
This particular restraint goes underneath your mattress to create a whole bondage set up that you can mix and match to your heart’s desire. Add handcuffs and/or ankle restraints if you don’t want to move at all. It’s time to get adventurous.
If you’re after something a little more low maintenance (and easier to disguise from house guests) this thigh restraint triples as wrist and ankle restraints, so you’ll be totally bound to your spot on the bed.
Bondage doesn’t have to look scary – you can wrap yourself up like a present with these pink satin handcuffs. So you don’t have to rely on your knot tying skills, these use O-rings for extra stability, and so you don’t cut your circulation off.
Bondage, but make it cute. These handcuffs are not only pretty, but also comfortable as they’re coated in plenty of padding. You can even get some matching bed restraints.
Best BDSM sets for beginners
Another fun way to explore BDSM is to buy a sex toy set and figure out how to use it together, using the expert tips above.
You don’t have to dive into anything extreme straight off the bat, but if you want to then at least you’ll have the option.
Want to feel like you’re being tied up in outer space? This bondage kit comes in a shiny holographic colour, with rose gold finishings that will make you feel totally luxe even when you’re out of control.
While this chic set from Lovehoney might come with more than you’d hope to use as a beginner, it’s certainly aspirational. There’s everything from an under bed restraint, to an eye mask, handcuffs, ankle cuffs, and of course a flogger and ball gag. All the makings of a great night, if you ask me.
If that seems like a bit much, this set is much more geared towards beginners, and still comes in that sexy green colour.
For anyone who only wants to play with bondage, this kit has all the makings of a bonded buff. Think: a collar and lead, eye mask, ball gag, and handcuffs. Call your sub!
Sometimes, you just want a box of goodies you can reach into, so if you’re getting started on your BDSM journey, this kit from Lovehoney has pretty much everything you need for sensory deprivation, bondage, impact play, and even some more exotic offerings like nipple clamps, a pinwheel, and a ball gag.
6. Don’t forget aftercare
We’re always talking about foreplay (as we should be) but aftercare is just as important and fun – especially when exploring BDSM.
“Aftercare is intentionally reconnecting once the scene ends to help you get back to the real world slowly and gently,” Lagman explained.
“This could mean cuddling, watching TV together, spending time together quietly, being alone. Take as much time as you need to ground yourself. Some people need five minutes, others need five days. Both are okay.”
