“Out-of-body” experiences are often linked to medical scenarios, like people who feel their consciousness float outside of their bodies, for example, during cardiac resuscitation.
But something similar, if less extreme, might also happen during sex.
Researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson coined the term “spectatoring” in the 1970s. It can involve “focusing on oneself from a third-person perspective during sexual activity, rather than focusing on one’s sensations and/or sexual partner,” a Journal of Sex Research article reads.
Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dr Tara, a sexologist, TikTok educator, and author of How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (In Bed), said that spectatoring isn’t usually great news for our love lives.
“It keeps us in our heads and out of our bodies, which inhibits our ability to experience pleasure and connect with our partner,” she explained.
7 signs you’re “spectatoring” during sex
OK, that might sound a little vague. But fortunately, Dr Tara gave us seven signs that suggest you might be “spectatoring” without even realising.
These are:
- Being in your head about how you look, how your partner perceives you, and your sexual performance;
- Feeling self-conscious about your appearance and anxious about whether you look sexy and desirable enough;
- Thinking about other past experiences during “the act”;
- Feeling like you’re watching yourself from above/dissociating a little;
- Wondering if you are aroused enough;
- Being overly tuned in to your partner, analysing every facial expression they make and wondering what they mean;
- Body checking, or compulsively thinking about what your body may look like.
“Men tend to have more anxiety about their sexual performance (e.g. am I hard enough? can I make her cum?!) but women have overall been conditioned by society to be more self-conscious about how they look, act, and feel, so it’s likely that women experience spectatoring during sex more,” the expert added.
How can I stop “spectatoring” during sex?
Dr Tara said that eye contact can go a long way towards keeping you present in the moment instead of criticising yourself. “Plus, if your partner is hot, that’s all the more reason to make eye contact,” she added.
And focusing on one sense at a time – touch, smell, etc. – can help you to “zero in” on what’s happening to your body.
Go solo, too, the pro advised. “Masturbation is a really great way to focus on yourself and what feels good and is hot to you, boosting your confidence and sexual self-esteem.”
Dr Tara said that spectatoring can come from social conditioning or programming.
“We are conditioned from a young age to be self-conscious about how we look and to wonder how others perceive us. To reverse this long-held pattern, you have to practice mindfulness, specifically sexual mindfulness, to rebuild a mind-body connection,” she ended.
“We are often negative about ourselves (thinking things like, ‘I’m not sexy enough’, ‘I’m too hairy’, ‘I’m too fat’, ‘I’m this’, ‘I’m that’), so you need to flood your brain with positive messages about your body, sex appeal, sexual performance, and self.”
