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If I had to choose a trait I thought would lead to a better love life and improved health, I’d probably pick something like “being rich” (to be fair, I’m not entirely wrong).
Still, researchers have found another variable that seems to make us perform better and withstand emotional blows without crumbling – and it’s free.
Self-compassion, which is related to, but not the same as, self-esteem, seems to hold one of the keys to greater happiness and well-being, research suggests.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion “involves treating oneself as one would a friend, being more mindful, and understanding our situation in the context of a larger human experience,” said Stanford Medicine’s Centre for Compassion and Altriusm Research and Education.
It means not “beating yourself up” over your percieved failures or shortcomings, and not trying to bully or shame yourself into reaching your goals.
Self-compassion does not leave much space for overly self-critical thoughts or comparison to others.
The British Psychological Society added, “Self-compassion, for some, comes naturally, while others view it as a sign of weakness or self-indulgence”.
However, they continued, it’s actually a “skill” that you can nurture.
What are the benefits of self-compassion?
Some science-backed reasons to be kinder to yourself include:
1) It can make your relationships better
A review of studies found that self-compassion is linked to benefits in a range of relationships, from friendships to family ties and relationships.
And in a 2011 paper, researchers learned that self-compassion was a better predictor of positive relationship behaviours among couples than self-esteem or attachment styles.
2) It might just improve your sex life
Among cisgender and heterosexual men and women, a 2023 paper says, self-compassion tends to be linked to better sexual satisfaction.
Mindfulness and acceptance seemed to play a role here, too.
Among married couples, meanwhile, self-compassionate people with common sexual issues or complications (ie changes in desire or erectile dysfunction) seemed to face less distress than those without the trait.
3) It could make you more motivated and successful
Perhaps you grew up hearing that going “easy” on yourself might make you unmotivated. But research doesn’t bear that out.
A study involving four experiments found that, compared to those with high self-esteem but low self-compassion and those with neither trait, people with high self-compassion seemed more motivated to reach their goals.
For instance, they studied more after failing an exam, reported greater interest in making up for a mistake, and seemed likelier to address their personal weaknesses.
“These findings suggest that, somewhat paradoxically, taking an accepting approach to personal failure may make people more motivated to improve themselves,” the paper reads.
4) It may be linked to better health
Interestingly, some research has even shown links between greater levels of self-compassion and better physical health outcomes.
Those who treat themselves more kindly appear to report fewer cases of ailments like headaches, back pain, nausea, and respiratory issues.
5) It might boost your mental health, too
A 2026 systematic review involving 85 studies showed that self-compassion “positively influences mental health through changes in psychological coping [and] changes perception, emotion, self-concept, and thoughts, which positively influence each other”.
How can I boost my self-compassion?
Luckily, this does seem to be a skill we can acquire. A trial showed that weeks of online courses significantly boosted participants’ levels of self-compassion, and those results held months after the lessons had finished.
Harvard Health says that writing compassionate letters to yourself, especially about trying times, giving yourself the kindness and encouragement you’d share with a friend, and improving how you feel physically though e.g. a walk or healthy food, can go a long way towards strengthening the trait.
“Even a quick exercise, such as meditating for a few minutes, can be a great way to nurture and accept ourselves while we’re in pain,” they added.