If you have been ghosted, you know how painful it can be. Everything seems fine, you’re really enjoying being with somebody and then, suddenly, they have disappeared with no explanation.
This is most commonly attributed to romantic relationships but it can happen in friendships too and it is really bloody painful sometimes. In fact, a study published in November of last year found that ghosting is more painful than being directly rejected.
Ghosters do feel bad about their actions
After being ghosted, it’s natural to wonder if the person who has ditched you so unceremoniously ever cared or does now. After all, if you cared, why would you do this to somebody?
However, in a new study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers found that those who cut all contact without warning or explanation do feel guilty for their actions.
They found that those who had ghosted felt more guilty and sad than their recipients would have predicted, but they also felt more relieved.
While this may not be comforting to those of us who have experienced being discarded in this way, the study authors urge that it adds a layer of complexity and humanity that is hard to imagine for ghostees.
They conclude their report with: “Mistakenly underestimating ghosters’ bad feelings could reduce the potential for reconciliation.
“We find that a simple intervention that improves emotion recognition is sending a short response, for example, confirming receipt of a message.”
They urge empathy and grace towards one another saying: “In a world that relies increasingly on digital, asynchronous communication, understanding how conversation partners feel about responses – or the lack thereof – can help people navigate their everyday interactions more effectively.”
Being direct is much kinder
As much as it’s true that we can’t assume the people who ghost us have bad intentions or feel nothing, it’s also true that being direct with your thoughts and feelings is kinder to everybody.
Psychotherapist Lila Lurie says: “Avoiding the truth confuses people. It delays grieving, processing, or growing. And most importantly, it withholds clarity that could help someone make an informed decision about their own life.
“That’s not kindness. That’s fear dressed up as politeness.”
